im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
