You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
