I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize