Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
