My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He felt like a one man threesome
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
