I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
