Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
