Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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