She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize