you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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