I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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