dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
