if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
