I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
