I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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