grandma shit on top of the toilet
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
