Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize