he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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