Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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