he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
