he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
