I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
