Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
why do cheetos always look like penises
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
