I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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