There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
