he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
