you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
