it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
