billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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