i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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