My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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