I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
