At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize