sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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