either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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