Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
