Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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