You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You are a genius and a whore.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
