Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
