take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
