stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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