my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
