Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize