i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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