Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize