booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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