just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So squirting runs in the family.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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