soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
