She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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