my phone needs a breathalizer
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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