dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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