so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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