I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
