i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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