I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
