It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
