i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
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