he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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