you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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