Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
